Coming out of the Closet ( as an Agnostic in the Bible Belt)

I am Agnostic and I have been for a long time.

I grew up in a rural area in South Carolina.  Many of the individual’s in my town were generally warm hearted and caring about other people. There was interdependence among the members of the community. I think this was largely due to “your distress is mine” type attitude. This was largely taught in the Church setting. Most individuals generally went to church on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. The pervasive religion in South Carolina is Christianity, primarily Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian denominations.  I have no doubt that a religious upbringing influenced me in a lot of ways.

Growing up in the Christian south has made being Agnostic something of an issue. Religion, especially Christianity, is baked into the way of life. It is just as integral as sweet tea, fried chicken, or polo shirts. To be --- or to identify as anything but religious is to often to be seen as a leper in a sense. This is not even including being a African American in the south --- religion is generational and almost seems to be baked into your DNA. The American Psychiatric Association states that 85 percent of African Americans consider themselves "fairly religious" or "religious." To not be makes you a minority within a minority group.

Growing up in the church sometimes gave me nightmares as a child. I remember waking up in cold sweats dreaming of Hell because I did something bad that day. But it was mostly positive. Growing up with the sense that there is this supernatural being on your side who protects you and watches over you was amazing. Having that warm feeling is indescribable. Having that knowing despite the flaws of man or the world, there was this perfection that existed and a heaven waiting on you at the end when your struggles were over was everything to me.

I remember when I first started to question my religious identification. I was in my early to mid-teens. I remember thinking it was the devil and if I just prayed and believed harder, things would change. Having those moments where I really believed made me feel like I was "back right again" or that I belonged. Over time the harder I fought to do this, the more I felt uncomfortable in my skin.

I started to hate church the more I tried to fit in. I would go there and lothe how the Pastor seemed so above everyone and the chastising of people for being human. I remember I started to keep one eye open when the church went into prayer out of spite. I started to dislike myself for having those feelings.

Religion for a lot of people is comforting. It gives them something outside of themselves. There is no way I can describe what religion means for all people. But for me, it became smothering. It was like I was trying to breathe, but every breathe I took of it was slowly killing me. I hated this feeling. Religion runs so deep in my family and in my community that I often felt like I did not belong --- as if I was a charlatan or perhaps the devil himself in disguise for not having faith.

I started to read about and tried to practice other religions in my late teens. The eastern religions were the biggest perspective shift. This did provide me with a lot of growth. It showed me how other religions --- how other people relate to the world and how they searched meaning. It was in learning and reading about those different ways of being which got me through my teens and perhaps even saved my life / sanity. However, as with Christianity, I felt like I was faking at trying to be a person who I was not.

Ironically, it was my father who noticed this change in me first. I remember coming home once from college and him commenting on how I never talked about God or went to church. My mother stated that it was just, "growing pains" and that I would find my way. My father confronted me directly. I remember being terrified. Like a great secret that I had tried my best to keep for a decade was all out in the open. Everyone could see it no matter how I hard I tried to hide. I assume this is akin to what gay people experience when they "come out of the closet." I could have dispelled my father's concerns and continue faking my way as a good ole southern Christian. But I no longer felt like living a lie.

I told him that I no longer found meaning in religion anymore. It was no longer about God or I and that I had been fighting with him since my early teens. I gave up that fight. I lost, God lost. It was a losing battle which made me only hate myself more and those who I loved. I still liked to go to church occasionally; to see my family members and friends. To commune with other people. This is perhaps what church should be ---  and would become for me --- a space where you lose yourself in something greater.

But I no longer found that in a being outside of myself who controlled my fate; rather it was God, Allah, or the Tao. I found that in the fallible people who I grew up with. I found that in my family, with all of their human flaws. In the imperfect human struggles that we all deal with. It is there that I felt in my skin. It was with them that I felt greater than myself---that I felt superhuman and a love beyond measure. Something religion could never really measure up to or offer me. The thing about perfection, at least for me, is that it is too perfect. Human beings, the world, flaws and all --- are real. You have to love them for who and what they are and that can be the hardest thing. But it's real --- perfectly imperfect.

It's where I find any semblance of what I assume people call God.

I think Agnostics get a bad reputation. This is why I wrote this. We are not Amoral, unethical, "blind", empty people who believe in a, "anything goes" world----we are just absent of faith in religion itself. I still consider myself highly spiritual. I just don't find that in a supernatural power. I find that in people, in nature, in food (which is partly why I am a vegetarian....see THIS post), in breathing, in all things. It makes me a Humanist. Humanism is: "a philosophical and ethical stance that emphasizes the value and agency of human beings, individually and collectively, and generally prefers critical thinking and evidence (rationalism, empiricism) over acceptance of dogma or superstition."

After my father confronted me, there was no talk of religion for a while. But now occasionally we do talk about it. He still loves me, my mother still loves me. Those in my family who know still love me. They think I may come around again to Christianity one day. Who knows what the future has in store. I will always be what is called "first born Christian". I still carry a lot of the morality and ethics.  It is the culture I was raised and born in.  My fears of my family not loving me anymore --- or of thinking less of me did not come to fruition. My faith in humanity was not misplaced. I am very thankful for them.

I don't know if there is a God or not, nor do I believe that if there was one humans could even begin to comprehend what it is. Being an Agnostic is different from an Atheist, who flatly states that God does not exist. I believe that humans can't really know either way.

I think we can always aspire to know more --- which only gives us more perspective on how vast our ignorance is. To affirm either way I think is making a huge assumption based on limited evidence. I think this is discomforting for a lot of people. But for me, I feel alive in it. It is more certainty than religion could ever offer -- the uncertainty of it is like life itself.

This is not to demean anyone who is religious. I often find myself jealous at times of those who are. It's like they have something I don't. And I have come to realize being religious means a lot of different things for a lot of different people. So, no judgement there, it is just who you are. I learned that the same goes for your belief (or non-belief) in God. People have done great things in the name of God. People have done horrific things in the name of God. I have come to believe that God is not the issue --- I think we as people are.

Perhaps in a way, this is my religion. I had to learn that I did not chose to become Agnostic. It is who I am, something that has taken decades to reconcile and unfold.

It is hard though. Being an Humanistic Agnostic has meant challenging my identity as a southerner, as an African American, and as a person. But I have become more human through it. I have become more spiritual through it. I have found something supernatural in it. And I would not trade this spirituality for anything else.

For those of you who may also be struggling through this or who are just interested in it, here are a few links to help you get started:

1. A Guide To A Godless Morality
2. Agnostic Michael Krasny Has 'Spiritual Envy'
3. Black Atheists Explain What It's Like to Be a 'Double Minority'
4. Black Atheists Say Non-Belief Means Cultural Outsider
5. Survey: Atheists, Agnostics Know More About Religion Than Religious